There are a few places in our yard where weeds like to grow. I am standing in the grass by our porch in the half-ditch where the dirt has eroded. It’s a sunny spot and the dandelions, white clover, and fleabane flourish here. I am swinging my arm and chopping the weeds apart, wielding a tennis ball launcher like a machete. I am a samurai; I am taking out the fuckers that did this to me. My dog is here too, but he doesn’t seem to notice what I’m doing. We’ve given up on playing fetch. He’s busy with his own beheading business: eating the tops of the grasses in my wake. I am trying to find healthy and productive ways to express my anger. So far, I’ve got these: Go to therapy Make the sound Punch pillows Whack weeds Remind myself and others that I’m allowed to be angry Visualize destroying my enemies in the style of Tilda Swinton Chop real or imaginary trees Listen to music Tell a friend Take a walk Breathe, breathe, breathe It probably says something about me that reaching out and breathing are further down the list... Perhaps you have other ideas? When I was interviewing my therapist last year, I told her that I wanted to do more EMDR and work on my rage. I’ve been in therapy for over 20 years. I’ve talked and talked and talked about what happened to me, but the depression continues. On harder days, I can’t separate myself from the pain. It consumes me. Freud is often quoted as saying that depression is anger turned inward. (I can’t find this line in his essay exactly, but if you google it, you’ll see how pervasive the idea is in modern psychology.) It works well enough as an explanation for where I’m at though, and I am actively working to avoid making myself sick, consciously or unconsciously, by stuffing my feelings inside. I’ve been thinking about anger a lot lately—especially while reading the news and working with my therapist. Why don’t we talk about it more? I think we’ve gotten to a point where it’s okay to say you have depression or anxiety or bipolar, etc. I openly tell people when I’m going to therapy or taking a mental health day. But who is talking about healthy ways to express anger? Maybe it’s more common than I realize. My stomach is churning this morning, thinking about Anthony Bourdain, Dolores O’Riordan, Scott Hutchison, and Kate Spade. I’ve been hospitalized for depression and I am particularly sensitive to the ways the media talks about suicide. Journalists write things like “Dolores O’Riordan appeared to be in good spirits the second weekend in January... On the morning of January 15th, O’Riordan was found dead in a London hotel room. She was 46.” I don’t think this kind of narrative serves her or the people who loved her, and it certainly doesn’t help people living with mental illnesses. I want to say so many things to the media this morning, but this is clearer and more pointed than anything I can string together now: So many messages telling those who are struggling to reach out. Fair enough, but part of what depression does is mutes your ability to reach. If you are NOT depressed & you see someone struggling, YOU reach out. If you don’t see someone who used to be around, YOU reach out. — Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) June 8, 2018 Deep breaths. With love, Nicole Letters from Nicole by Nicole Fenton In the woods in Charlottesville, VA 22901 USA Sent to jasdevs@gmail.com —  Unsubscribe Delivered by